The best Zapp Brannigan quotes from Futurama

Zapp:   Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Zapp:   Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love, hard and fast.

Zapp:   Mmm... Welcome to my humble chamber or as I call it, "The Lovenasium".

Zapp:   We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? … Kif, I'm asking you a question.

Zapp:   As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.  This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

Kiff:    *Yes*.

Zapp:   So, crawling back to the big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela:  Birds don't crawl.
Zapp:   They’ve been known to.

Zapp:   It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot the one thing: rock crushes scissors. Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! Kiff we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and bring me a rock.

Zapp:   Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.

Zapp:   Stop exploding, you cowards.

Zapp:   That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.

Zapp:   Men, you're lucky men. Soon, you'll all be fighting for your planet. many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be put through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

Leela:  You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp:   If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kiff?

Kiff:    Ugh... sexlexia.

Zapp:   We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

Zapp:   Ah, she's built like a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro.

Zapp:   You win again, gravity!

Zapp:   If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Zapp:   Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.

Fry:      W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?
Bender:  Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.

Zapp:   You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.

Zapp:   The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.

Fry:      You mean while I'm sleeping on it?

Zapp:   You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Kiff:    But that leads us straight through a comet field.

Zapp:   Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing off one after another at breakneck speed, we can create a gravity boost, or something.

Zapp:   She's a beautiful ship. Shapely, seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out.

Zapp:   Here's to us poor schmoes, working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy female man.

Zapp:   One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think, huh, Kipp?

Kiff:    No, it doesn't.

Attila the Hun:            Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!

Zapp:   Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun.

Zapp:   I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan at your service.

Zapp:   Do you understand the charges?
Kiff:    One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
Zapp:   Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
Zapp:   Double yes. Guilty.

Leela: You know Zap once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon, then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child, but now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon.

Zapp:   And which one rocked your world?